almost zen: The Prelude

Well, the whole reason I’ve started this journal (or blog, if you will) is because of three words:

I have cancer.

Needless to say, there are a million emotions that fly through your mind when you find this out: fright, anger, sadness, paranoia, and hope. Its a rollercoaster ride of emotion, and then another ride throughout treatment.

I’ve been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (Diffuse Large B-Cell). It is a cancer of the lymphnodes. Lymphnodes are these things that are all over your body, and they’re pretty important to your immune system. When you get sick, your lymphnodes work with white blood cells to fight against infections. This type of lymphoma can mature in your bone marrow. It is typically treated with chemotherapy and radiation.

Here's how I started to get there:

Right after Labor Day, I thought I had a cold. I was coughing a lot and had a fever. I loaded up on orange juice and rest, like anybody who gets a cold does. My coughing got worse and worse. I saw a doctor. He confirmed my guess when he told me I had bronchitis. He wrote me a prescription for an anti-biotic and some heavy cough syrup. I was on my way...or so I thought.

My cough got worse. I gave it a few days. It got worse. I was now having extreme difficulty breathing. I went back.

This time I was told that I had sinusitis. Told to toss the prescriptions I already had, and get some new ones.

I still wasn’t getting any better. I had been sleeping on my couch for a couple weeks now. My wife was 6 months pregnant at the time, and I didn’t want to get her sick. I was in rough shape. I started to get dizzy spells. Fever was worse.

My wife decided I should see a different doctor. So she made an appointment for me, and came with me. This doctor ran some tests (more than I can say for the others who only listened to my breathing). Had some blood taken and wrote some new prescriptions. Told me to take it easy and give it some time.

You guessed it...I was the same...I made another appointment, and went back, this time by myself.

This time my doctor ordered a chest x-ray.

Then came my day from hell.

I went downstairs and had x-rays taken of my chest. The technician immediately called my doctor, who came running downstairs to look at the results. He then took me upstairs into a private room to discuss what he saw. He told me that the x-rays show a “cloud” that was next to my left lung. Because the x-ray pictures weren’t detailed enough, I had to immediately go to a nearby hospital to have a CAT scan.

I got into my car and drove to the hospital. My mind was racing all over the place. I was scared and alone. I arrived at the hospital, went to get my CAT scan. Got the scan, and waited for what seemed to be hours. A nurse came up to me and told me that I needed to go back to my doctor’s office to go over the results with him. I got back in my car, and drove back to the doctor’s.

When I arrived at my doctor’s office, they took me right into a room. My doctor came in, and dropped the bomb. CAT scan revealed a tumor that was pushing up against my left lung and my heart. The tumor was 7 inches in diameter, and its pressure against my lung was causing me to cough. He told me that I needed to be admitted into the hospital that day...asap...like right now.

My head was spinning...I couldn’t breathe...I was an emotional mess. I called my wife at her office. Told her what they found, and that I need to be admitted to the hospital. She left her office and met me at the hospital. Jenn called my mother and father, they were there before I knew it. It was a terrible night because we knew so little. It was Wednesday, October 5th, 2005.

Thursday found me waking up alone in my private hospital room. Jenn came and brought some stuff for me from home: toothbrush, toothpaste, my own pajamas, and a couple changes of clothes. I learned that I would undergo a biopsy on this day. I had a “CAT Scan Guided Needle Biopsy.” Thats where they stick a needle in your chest (right where your heart is), run you through a CAT scan, find out that its .08mm off, re-stick you with the needle, run you through the scan, see that its okay, stick more needles in you, and take samples. You’re awake through the whole procedure.

In other words, it sucked. And they again kept me in the hospital overnight.

Friday would see me getting another biopsy. Seemed that the doctors weren’t happy with the amount they got from the first biopsy. This time, they wouldn’t mess around. This time they put me under, cut open my chest, and went to work. This time they got as much as they needed.

I was released from the hospital on Saturday. My diagnosis wasn’t in yet, but there was no doubt that I had some sort of cancer. We would just have to wait at home. I was still coughing and having difficulty breathing...and I was filled with the fear of death.

Days went by with no word from any doctors. My anticipation was very high...and I was filled with fear. I would look at my wife, feel my son kick within her, and I wondered why this was happening to me...why was this happening now?

So, thats where I will leave off on this prelude.

Welcome to my site. This journal will act as my voice throughout everything...not only my battle against cancer, but the thing I look forward to most...the birth of my son. I hope you keep checking back for updates.

Comments

Jeffrey,
It's Sheila Carideo. I am so concerned for you. I will definately be checking in with your blog. Tommy and I live in Chicago. He is also expecting a boy any day now. Please take care of yourself. I will be praying for you. Where so you live?
w/b when you can
Sheila

Posted by: Sheila Carideo | October 30, 2005 08:43 AM

Jeff, I think what you have put together is awesome. I am so proud of you. I hope you don't mind, but I have forwarded your website to some of my friends and coworkers. I want everyone to know how strong and wonderful my big brother is.
Love Chumbly!

Posted by: Amanda Porzio | October 31, 2005 12:29 PM

Dear Jeff,
I am Amanda's friend from high school. I wanted to write to you and tell you I have been thinking of you a lot. You are in my prayers as well. Like anyone who will read your website I also think what you have put together is really awesome. Cancer is something everyone has heard of but might not have a clue what it is really like. This is really great how you are sharing your experience. It seems at this time I have begun to know people with cancer and know of more as time goes on. It is such a horrible disease. I am happy you have great doctors. My cousin had cancer in his lymphnodes, possibly the same kind you might have. He fought it and is doing great. He still gets his check ups when he needs to but he is cancer free. I will check back on your site to keep updated. My prayers are with you and your family. Congratulations to you and Jenn on your baby! I have two little boys myself. If you need anything let me know! Take care, Tina

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